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‘Mental Madge’ Category

  1. Well, that didn’t work.

    November 2, 2004 by Louise

    More stuff about my mental health in the extended entry.

    (more…)

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  2. The One Where Louise Is Still Awake.

    October 22, 2004 by Louise

    From the prescription information sheet that came with my new medication, which I have taken for two days now:

    POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Side effects, that may go away during treatment, include restlessness, agitation, dizziness, dry mouth, insomnia, headache, nausea, vomiting, constipation, anorexia, or tremor.

    Emphasis mine. It also goes on to say to stop taking it and call the doctor if I start having seizures or heart palpitations, or if I experience hostility or impulsive feelings. No seizures or palpitations yet, but jeeze, you mean I’m supposed to call the doctor when I’m pissed off at some guy in the wal-mart parking lot, or impulsively reallyreallyreally want to buy a giant bag of sour cherry blasters? Haha, I keed, I keed.

    So… I have been experiencing, to some extent, all the bolded things up there. Especially insomnia. Remember my love of sleep? The 10 hours I could very well use every night? I haven’t been sleeping. I mean, I can sleep and do sleep for 5, maybe 6 hours tops. But that would be cause for napping later in the day. No naps though. None. Here I am, 1 am, not feeling as though there’s any need to go to sleep. Who needs it? I don’t feel tired, although I’m yawning. Strange.
    What the heck am I supposed to do with all this extra time? Meh.

    I also don’t really feel any better than I did before I started taking it. Granted, it’s only been two days, so that’s okay. My doctor told me that this particular medication can take up to three weeks to even start working.

    So. Since the crackheads busted our car window, and since they asked me to, and since Rob thinks it’s a good idea as well although we are going to miss each other like crazy, I am leaving tomorrow morning to spend a week at my parents’ house.

    1) My parents feel the need to snuggle me. I also feel the need for some snuggles from my parents.
    2) My father is going to fix the car window for $30 instead of the $100 it would cost at the places here.
    3) Rob is at work during the evenings and thinks it would be good for me to have people around me in case I feel the need to speak to the Giant Talking Crack Rock.
    4) My mother is going to help me to stitch together our first blanket. But keep sending in your squares! We’ve got about 1/4 of a second blanket now!
    5) There is no fifth reason. I just wanted to put something here.

    Ergh. I promised that my blog wouldn’t become a huge “oh look I have depression please pity me” thing and here I am posting about it again. Perhaps I should start writing about… my adventures as a tattoo artist. Except I don’t have any, because I never was one. Damnit.

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  3. Oh, wow.

    October 19, 2004 by Louise

    First of all I wanted to thank everyone who responded to that post both via comments and email. It’s good when you’re feeling completely alone to know that there are people you know who’ve had similar experiences.

    So, the doctor. She wants me off work until at least November 15th. She has prescribed some medications and tests for me to have done. I feel like… I don’t know what I feel like. Relief? Yes, relief that this is actually something wrong with me, not something I’m making up. But holy shame/anxiety… I am not looking forward to hearing from my job. I tried calling the school 2 or 3 times and there was no answer– I don’t know what’s up with that. So I called the VP’s house and left her a voicemail message but that’s kind of a cop-out; and I asked her to please call me back so that we can discuss this because I mean… yeah. I feel very… what? Are people going to think that I just didn’t like my job so I faked sick to get out of it? That’s really not it; I love my job (the principal was asking me that yesterday, when I told her I wasn’t feeling well– “Don’t you like it here?”). I said all this (and more) to my GP during the appointment today; she said to me “Louise, if you had pneumonia or a broken leg, would you feel guilty about it? No. This is a biochemical thing. You didn’t bring it on yourself– you couldn’t if you tried”. Basically told me that I should stop feeling guilty and start taking care of myself instead of worrying about everything else.

    What next? I’m not sure… Therapy? Yes, maybe. I know I have been depressed for a very long time, but I’ve been used to it– it’s like, you live with chronic pain, it becomes normal for you and you don’t notice it anymore, if that makes sense. I know some of the reasons, as well, and I just have chosen not to deal with them. I know I need to deal with them but avoidance is amazingly effective up until a certain point. My doctor wants me to start feeling better via the medication before seeing a therapist though. The way she explained it makes sense to me.

    So. I promise that I won’t become a “oh poor me what a horrible horrible life I have” person. But yes. That’s what’s up with me right now. How’re y’all doing?

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  4. doctor doctor

    by Louise

    so I have a doctor’s appointment (with my gp) in an hour exactly and now I’m afraid that she will say there’s nothing wrong with me (not that I *want* there to be terrible things wrong with me) and that I’ve just been a big faker and will tell my boss to fire me.
    paranoia? Nah.

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  5. I’m not sure if I’ll even post this.

    October 18, 2004 by Louise

    I’m mental.
    (more…)

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