And so came Yesterday. Yesterday shall heretofore be known among these parts as the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
I’ve had a few pretty awful days in my life, but none, in recent memory, as bad as yesterday was. Now you’re thinking “Really? What about when your father had the aneurysm? What about when you had to have your dog put to sleep?What about when (insert relative here) died?” and I can say this: Those were the worst things that ever happened in my life, but none of these events made their respective days as bad as yesterday was, as far as I can remember. I grieved, on those days, but I knew that one day I’d be able to be happy again. Yesterday? Nope. No way could I see any light at the end of what seemed to be a long, dark, smelly, never-ending tunnel.
Let’s start at the beginning, with yesterday morning. I woke up, just like any other day. I did all my normal any other day things. Nobody died. There were no disasters in the world for me to be sad about. And yet, there I was, with the invisible-to-everyone-but-me Black Cloud of Despair settled firmly over my head.
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I realized this morning, after having read Jessica‘s post about the same thing, that I missed my two-year blogiversary (is that what it’s called? Well anyway). It was April 1st, I think, or March 31st. Well, March 31st there were some test posts, and April 1st was my first real post. So that is that! Hopefully this blog has been interesting to some people, because it’s been fun for me and I don’t really intend to stop.

Randomness:

I am awake at 7:01 am. I’ve actually been awake since around 3, 3:30. But that is my own fault. Yesterday I went to snuggle with Rob and watch a movie in the bedroom at probably 6 pm and when he tried to wake me up a couple of hours later I was like “NO LET ME SLEEP I’LL SLEEP ALL NIGHT I PROMISE”. Yep, I didn’t. But I feel well-rested now, so that’s good. Plus, I slept! For more than three hours! FOR 8 HOURS! Without taking any kind of sleeping pill or anything!

Speaking of which I got in to see my doctor the other day. She gave me another med to “boost” the antidepressant that I’m currently taking. This one will also make me sleep. My pharmacy won’t give it to me yet though because the doc said to cut it in half and only take half a tab, and the pharmacy is like “you’re not supposed to cut these” so they’re trying to get ahold of her and find out what she was talking about. I am set to go back to work on May 16th. Looking forward to it? Not really, but kind of. Yes because I miss my students and I like doing what I do. No because of where I’m doing what I do and the other people I have to deal with. Oh well, it’s only like, 6 weeks til summer vacation. Yes, I suck.

Also I have a question– Has anyone else heard, with depression, that if you stay depressed for more than six months, it causes brain damage? SOMEONE said that to me, I’m not saying who, but I’m wondering if others have heard the same thing. Because it sounds to me like a load of crap.

Yesterday we went to Wal Mart to drop off my prescriptions and while we were waiting we decided (okay, *I* decided) to use their registry thing and run around zapping things with their scanning wand. It was fun. I fully don’t even expect anyone to even look at the thing, but I just like running around scanning things. Rob also did some scanning. There are some “serious” things on the list, but there are alot of things like… hmm. 25 bottles of lube, an 8 pack of barbecue sauce, a picture of the Pope (John Paul 2), one package of m&m’s, the 1st season DVDs of Full House and McGyver.. .yeah.

Luckily we can change things (I hope) and like I said, we probably won’t be showing it to many people.

Okay now it is time for me to go watch Saved By The Bell! It’s on now! GOOD DAY TO YOU!

So today I was at my therapy appointment (oooooo, I’m one of those…) and we were talking about one thing and she asked me some questions about how I feel about some things (am I being vague enough?). Eventually she asked me about how I react if someone else has something bad going on with them.

“Well, I feel responsible. Even if logically I know it’s not my fault that, say, my best friend had a bad day at work– I feel guilty and I want to make everything better. It’s like I want to fix everything in the world but who cares if I’m having a horrible day as long as everyone else is happy”.

“Oh, this is just GREAT! Exactly what I’ve been waiting for! Do me a favor? My dryer stopped working yesterday. What time can you be over? And do you have your own tool box?”

We sort of looked at each other for a second and both burst out laughing.

It’s so good that she gets me.

Do you know how incredibly guilty I still feel about taking this time off work?
Very. Very, very, incredibly guilty.
I know that my substitute is doing a wonderful job with my students and I know that I shouldn’t be there right now, but I still feel guilty. I also don’t feel that I should have to tell them specifically why I am out– “medical reasons” is it, and I don’t tell them more; as Connie said to me this morning they probably think I have cancer, which I don’t, as far as I know.
Anyway. Because of my guilt and my fear of them totally hating me and firing me (which logically I know they can’t fire me, but they can certainly hate me if they want to) I have avoided letting them know at the school that I will be out until Dec. 15th. Our phone has not been working properly– and the repairman who was supposed to show up AGES ago, just hasn’t yet– so I can’t phone them, I told myself. I practically freak out everytime I access my work email, so I avoided that too. This morning I finally got up the guts to email them and let them know that I wouldn’t be back for longer than we’d thought. We shall see how that turns out– I keep picturing them completely hating me and doing some kind of thing (I imagine the Spanish Inquisition) to find out what exactly is wrong with me, and then (yes I know none of this would happen nor is it legal) writing reports about how I am terrible. I just need to GET OVER MYSELF really. They have a wonderful substitute in who is doing such a great job; I’m sure the kids will LOVE to have her there a bit longer, and I’m sure she’ll be glad of the extra money.

AND NOW ON TO OTHER THINGS!!!

Since some people are only interested in the Seamonkeys, a little Seamonkey update:

I got nothin’.

Well actually, that’s not quite true. There’s a lot of stuff floating around in the tank. I follow instructions and swish it around every day to make sure oxygen gets in there. And I’m pretty sure that I’ve seen, among the debris, a few little things actually SWIMMING around. But since they’re smaller than the head of a pin, it would be no use photographing them unless I had some kind of high-powered lens. Which I don’t.
I feel confident that my colony will thrive, however, with me as their One True Leader.

Also– beans.