Laisse entrer la lumiere
Et tout deviendra plus claire

(I can’t do accents on my laptop) (okay, well, I’m TOO LAZY to do accents on my laptop)

It has come to this: I’m watching Big Brother: Quebec on my 2nd day of March Break (up next: colon cleanser testing). They had an Advil commercial on for migraine pain and that’s the song they played.

Would you like to see my round-up of activities for so far today? OF COURSE you would!

1) Walked the dogs.
2) Drove Rob to work.
3) Picked up the mail
4) Watched Life: Unexpected (it has Jack from Dawson’s Creek!)
5) Ironed and put up the new curtains (yeah, remember how I was gonna do that yesterday? Guess what? I didn’t).
6) Ate lunch
7) Walked the dogs again
8 ) Started reading a terrible book.
9) Put down said book after my 90th eyeroll and started watching BB Quebec.

On #8: When I was like, 13, I read my first book by Bertrice Small. I was all shocked because it involved (shhh!) S-E-X. The other week, Rob sent me a list of books for the book reader. “Want any of these?” One of them was a Bertrice Small book. I remembered having read that one when I was a kid, and thought “YES! GET ALL OF THEM!”. Then I became determined to read every.single. one.

If you never have the chance to read a book by Ms. Small, here’s what you’re missing (they take place in the Middle Ages, mostly, although a couple have been in the 1700s):

1) The heroine is always a virgin at the beginning of the book (actually she’s always between the ages of 12 and 17… creepy)
2) She doesn’t want to get married because she’s a kid or she’s never met the dude before or she wants to become a nun but she has no choice because of Circumstances.
3) She marries him anyway
4) They bone and it is AWESOME and they fall in love
5) They bone and bone and bone some more
6) The girl gets pregnant but doesn’t realize she’s pregnant until someone else says “When are you going to tell your husband you’re pregnant?” and she’s all “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”
7) There’s some kind of thing that happens – usually the girl gets kidnapped. This happens mostly before the pregnancy, or after she’s given birth, but in one book she was kidnapped while she was pregnant. Then her captor fell in love with her and raised the baby as his own. During her kidnapping she is forced to bone her captor (or he’s impotent but he still makes her get naked so he can mess with her stuff). And it is AWESOME! Because her passionate body betrays her. About 50% of the time she falls in love with her captor.
9) SOMEONE (generally not the heroine, but generally a woman – not always though) is “plundered” in her “dark passage” by means of punishment, and feels humiliated and sad – unless the someone being plundered is a bad person, in which case she enjoys it.
10) In 4 of the 9 I’ve read so far, the husband dies, but the heroine finds herself being forced to marry another guy who it turns out is waaaay better than the first husband anyway. And she falls in love with him, and realizes that her first husband was nowhere near as awesome as this guy.
11) Mean people have deformed babies, or are infertile. People who are “worried” are unable to have children, but the moment that they relax, they start popping them out.
12) The heroine has either twins right away or eventually has six kids, and the husband is very happy with her. If he’s still alive, that is. If he’s infertile in any way (in one book the husband had had the mumps when he was 20 which rendered “his seed” infertile), he will probably die. Then the heroine will marry another dude who can give her the six or twelve or however many kids.
And they live happily ever after.
Of course there are variations: reincarnation, magic, people turning into crows and flapping around.

So why am I reading these? To be honest, because they’re easy and I don’t have to pay that much attention to them and I can still follow what’s happening. Plus, I mean, THE BONE!