Guys? I’m having a really hard time with this infertility stuff (and you’re thinking “Uh, who would have a good time with it?”).
I know that about 10% of people who are trying to have babies haven’t gotten pregnant after trying for a year. It’s been three years for us, and it’s been confirmed by the surgery I had, so I guess we’re firmly entrenched in that 10%.
And it’s futile to ask “Why us?”, but I keep doing it. Why us, when there are people out there who get pregnant by just thinking about sex? Why us, when there are people out there having kids and treating those kids like crap? Why us, when in the past four years, I’ve had at least one student (median age: 13) each year get pregnant? When coworkers and friends and family members have had (no lie) 19 babies in the past year?
But, as I said, “Why us” is a futile question to ask. I mean, why not us? Just because any child that we had would be so wanted, and so loved doesn’t mean that we automatically get to have a child. It doesn’t work that way. 10%. Someone has to be in that 10%, and why not us? If it weren’t us, it would have to be someone else (so you’re welcome, Mrs. Duggar). I mean, the Universe needs its 10%. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone else.
I am trying not to become bitter. I don’t hate when others have children. I get incredibly excited for my friends and family when they’re pregnant. I just wish that we could have someone getting excited for us for the same reason.
I do, however, mind when people, after I’ve opened up and told them about our situation, suggest that we “just relax” or “just adopt” or “just pray”. I know that they mean well. I don’t begrudge them their good intentions. But if it were that easy, we would “just” do it, and we would “just” have babies piled up everywhere in here.
I mind when I open up to someone about this, fearing the entire time that they’re thinking “Oh GOD, she’s WHINING again!”, only to have them change the subject and prove me right, that this isn’t something that they care to talk through with me. I realize it’s uncomfortable, but again, a “Wow, that sucks”, is so much better than “OMG HEY LOOK A BIRD!”.
I guess I mind a lot of things.
I promise, guys, that this blog isn’t going to become an Infertility Blog. There are others who do that so much better than I do. And I promise that I’m not always so… I don’t know what. Whatever I’m coming across as in this post. I’m just having one of those nights, I guess. And lucky you, you just get to come along for the ride.
You are right, it does suck. I imagine it makes you feel so damn frustrated. I don’t think you should apologize for writing about it either. It is YOUR blog and if people don’t want to read about it they can skip and it just read the “pleasant” stuff.
I know nothing I say can bring you that so wanted child so all I can do is send hugs across the miles and keep you and your husband in my prayers.
So, it would be inappropriate for me right now to yell “hey, look, something shiny!”
(yeah, that’s right, go for the funny, no matter what the cost!)
I’m sorry you are having a rough night.
I don’t think you’re whining at all – and that’s, likely, not the reason people change the subject either – it’s more likely because they have no idea what to say. But, whatever the reason is, it’s infuriating, is it not? As is the “helpful” advice.
You forgot the one “just” word that really does apply here – UNjust. Which it totally, completely, absolutely is.
I’m so sorry.
I agree with DJ. The changing of the subject is, I’m betting, always a result of not knowing what to say/do, and never a result of not wanting to know about it. Unless you’re spending a lot of time with dicks. If someone was a dick they might be changing the subject ’cause they don’t want to hear about it. Which, really, is probably good, because, really, do you want the point of view of a dick on something that is so personal and difficult?
I know that it’s because it’s an uncomfortable subject, and they don’t know what to say. It just makes me feel like they don’t want to hear about it, or embarrassed because I’ve made them feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t make sense, but… yeah.
You’re allowed to “just” whine and complain about being in that 10% as much as you want here on this blog, baby. Your blog, your rules!
We were in the same boat of trying and really WANTING to get pregnant for more than three years before it happened. And our reasons were mainly geography and timing, we had no reason to believe it wouldn’t happen eventually, but the waiting and hoping and wondering, Why not us? still sucked.
I’m sorry you’re in that 10%. That really sucks.
I’m new to your blog and really appreciate your openness and honesty about all of it. I am also probably in that 10% and I have known for almost 10 years. I’m sorry you are going through this. There really are no words…
You aren’t whining. You’re grieving. Blogs are for talking your way through what’s in your head. We’re here to listen.
I agree with all of the above. You need to express yourself, and this is the perfect place to do it. Sending you much love, Louise… xoxo
I’m in the 10% with you, Louise, and after a didn’t-want-it-but-they-said-it-was-the-only-way-to-solve-my-pain hysterectomy 6 years ago (which didn’t, just for fun, solve the pain), I’m quite solidly in the 10%. So I also know what you mean about the expenses of things like IVF and adoption. It’s so heartbreaking when the whole world (including your own body) seems to have conspired together to prevent you from having a primary human experience, that so many others seem to get so easily. What’s up with THAT?! I know it’s possible for people to adopt very inexpensively, if they happen to know a variety of women having unwanted children, one of whom might choose them to adopt one of those children, but … that ain’t me! My heart’s hurting for you and with you, Louise. I’m so sorry.
Wait…are you telling me that praying won’t get me pregnant! Oh-No, I’ve been doing it all wrong!!
Oh yes, sarcasm from the girl who gets the whole “why can’t I have a baby” mantra!
(That’s right…I have nothing good to offer. But I am impressed with how in tune you seem to be!)