12:29 am. Yep, I’m gonna be all AWAKE tomorrow!

I don’t know what it is. I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s because I ate SEAFOOD for supper. Yeah, surprised the hell out of me, too. I hate seafood, just on general principle, but tonight Rob wanted fries with the works (french fries, gravy, fried hamburger, onions, sometimes cheese but not tonight, and peas, only Rob doesn’t believe in peas, and his arteries? they agree with him) from a certain nearby diner, and I decided that I would order clam strips and fries. Clam strips don’t taste very… clammy… I guess. Plus I love tartar sauce. But now I can’t sleep.

There’s also this whole thing where a famous dude killed his family then himself. It’s keeping me awake, with all the thinking. I can’t help but feel sad about the entire thing– Rob follows rasslin, and so does my dad, and I used to (when I was 10) be all about Tito Santana… and I can’t help but feel sorry for all of them. Yes, all of them, including the guy who did the killing and suiciding. Should I be damning him to hell for what he did? Is it really even any of my business? I’m torn. I want to hate him for what he did (who kills a seven-year-old?) but at the same time, I know that there is no way that a person in their right mind would do anything so horrific to people they love. I don’t know. To me it’s sort of like when Phil Hartman and his wife died. Everyone was like “oh she sucks! baaaaaaaaaaah!” but Mike Myers would keep talking about what wonderful people they both were. When someone asked him why he included her in his compliments, seeing as she’s the one who killed Phil, he said because she *was* a wonderful person– she had a mental illness that was not her, that was uncontrolled because no one recognized it, and it took over at the worst time. Not that he was condoning what she did, but that until people could say that they had done everything they could to combat mental illness, they shouldn’t vilify someone who was as much a victim as Phil was.

It’s different, though, right? People are saying he took steroids, steroids cause ‘roid rage’, he shouldn’t have taken them in the first place, it’s his own fault, baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah he sucks. (Also, can you believe I’m talking about professional wrestling here? I know of at least one person who will be looking down their nose at me even more than they previously had been– but eh, whatevs)… but in the business that he was in, everyone (almost) takes steroids; if you lose weight or strength, you’re quickly fired. He chose the profession, yes. So, sort of the same thing. If his employer had been encouraging him (or creating an environment where it was in his best interest) to take drugs (steroids *are* drugs), assuring him that ‘everyone does it’ and it’s perfectly safe, and if his employer had not been taking responsibility for that and keeping a very close eye on him, looking for the effects of these drugs. Steroids don’t only cause ‘rage’ — they can cause extremely severe depression, mania, paranoia, and psychosis. Left untreated, this is the road someone so deeply disturbed might take.

Of course, maybe he was just a dick. I don’t know the guy personally no matter what persona he put out there. Whole thing just makes me very, very sad.