This is, apparently, a cable-access show in Atlanta.

Some of my favourites: “The nuts and the penis running wild and running free!”

“His penis has become anxious and bored”…

These are all things I had never imagined!

Sometimes I wonder what I?ll be like as a parent.
I say this because, as a teacher, I see things happening that just shock the heck out of me, and I immediately say that ?I will never allow my child to…?

But how can I know I?ll never, until that subject actually comes up?
(The ?I will never allow my child to…? list so far: have a TV in his/her room, go on chat pages, have a myspace profile that I can?t check, take half-nekkid Internet photos, watch CSI when they?re seven, speak to me like that, have an all-night unsupervised ninth-grade ?graduation? (it?s not graduation! for the love of crap!) party at the beach, say swears, address adults who aren?t relatives by their first name, wear any clothes that show off the three b?s? boobs, belly, butt? spend the night at a member of the opposite sex?s house, even if they?re ?just friends?, spend a night at their girlfriend/boyfriend?s house, even if ?nothing?s gonna happen and it?s okay with blabla?s parents!?, move in with their 19-year-old boyfriend?s family when they?re 14, watch Jackass and then go out and try to re-create their favourite scene… there are probably more. But these are just the things I?ve seen in the past 7 years as a teacher).

Around here, because it?s such a rural province (although we have two ?cities?, it?s still basically farmland and long stretches of forest or beach), many people own four-wheelers, snowmobiles, or motorbikes to get around, not just from town to town, but on their own land. I don?t mind it (except when they go all nuts and drive around outside in the middle of the night when I?m trying to sleep), for many it?s a necessity.

But one thing I will never do, if it becomes a necessity for my child to use one of these vehicles, is allow him/her to drive it without the proper training. I know from experience that most of the time they?re not thinking about safety, they?re thinking about how cool they?ll look in the motorcycle sunglasses and helmet and jacket, flying through the fields. But, at the risk of sounding like an old fuddy duddy, yes, they?ll wear the glasses and helmet and jacket (and, knowing me, probably kneepads and elbow pads and bubble wrap and nine pair of pants), but they?ll also take extensive safety and training courses on how to operate the vehicle. They?ll be the proper age to drive whatever vehicle it is. And they?ll know all the risks and dangers of said vehicle.

I say this now, and I have no kids. Probably when we do spawn, they?ll all be eating cheetos and cussin? with the best of them.
If you haven?t got kids yet (or, if you?ve got young children), what?s on you ?I will never? list? If you?re a parent of a teenager, what was on your ?I will never? list, and did any of those things change over the years?

Last night I did something that I haven?t done in months.
No, not that.
And do you know what? It?s been so long, that I had forgotten how much I love doing it.
I SAID NOT THAT!!!

Read the rest of this entry →

Last night I wrote a good, long post. Posted it. Left the computer.
When I logged on this morning, it turns out the Internet had eaten my post. EATEN IT!

Bastard.

As I’ve mentioned, Friday was a snow day. Boy, did I ever mess up. I went upstairs to read a book at about 2:30 or 3, and woke up at 9 pm. Needless to say, the rest of the weekend was spent trying, unsuccessfully, to get back on my proper sleeping schedule. I couldn’t. Last night I managed to fall asleep around 2 am.
Cue me, at 5:30 this morning, wandering around the house with no pants on, searching for socks and breakfast. I’m sure the neighbours wish we had some window blinds in the livingroom.

Tonight I’m going to bed at 7 pm. Well, maybe 8.

On Saturday came the sad news that June Callwood had passed away after a long battle with cancer. She was a truly remarkable woman; an activist, a journalist, a feminist, and just an all-around wonderful person. She led a long and purposeful life; I only hope that I can achieve one quarter of what she did in the time alotted to me.

“What you get is a life”,

Just because I know you’re ravenously waiting for one.

On Friday, although I was supposed to have parent-teacher conferences, there was a snowstorm, and so there was no school. And so I slept all day, and then that night when Rob was trying to lure me to bed, it took until 5:30 am before I could sleep.

This led to my complete and utter domination by Facebook, more appropriately known as Crackbook. I’m now checking it every ten seconds, I swear, and seeing that oh! this or that person added me as a friend! Hey! It’s the guy who asked to see my boobs one drunken night in university and I said no, ask someone else, and he did! Hahahaha! My roommate from ’94-’95! Remember how she used to have the best eyebrows? She still does! Oh! Look! My brother! My actual brother!
I swear, it is more addictive than crack. So maybe it should be called Methbook. Just now, I checked it again. Yay!

Yesterday afternoon I went out to pick up some groceries (Rob wishes I hadn’t gotten the sauerkraut– he says it “stinks! like a butthole!”– I’m sure it’s not that bad, aside from which, when has he been going around smelling butt holes?). I went over a speedbump in the parking lot, and off popped the car’s muffler. Only it didn’t come all the way off — that I could have dealt with. However, it stayed kind of half-attached. I went back into the store, bought some bungee cords, and laid on the ground in the parking lot for like, half an hour, just kind of tying it up so that it wouldn’t drag on the ground on the way home. Thus the paid blogging, folks!

My father was at work nearby, and, knowing that we had plans for the evening, came by and dropped his car off to me. When I picked Rob up from work, he was a bit confused to see this big green car, having expected our little silver number, but he adjusted. We went out to supper– which was delicious, by the way– with a couple of friends. And then he had to roll me into the house. Because of the dessert. Oh, the dessert. This was the first time that I left some dessert behind and actually felt upset about it– it was SO GOOD! Chocolate brownie “crust”, chocolate mousse filling with chunks of white-chocolate cheesecake strewn throughout… I’m not a huge sweets person, but this… oh, this. There are no words.

And now– that’s about it. We slept, we woke up, I’m having a cheese sandwich for lunch.

Oh, life.

There are people who read this blog who don’t like me, and that’s fine. I just wanted to let them know that they will soon have more fodder for their dislike: my sellout-ness.

But I’m not ashamed.

After having chatted extensively with Terry about it, and searched my wizened, rotten little soul, the answer to the question was “o hell yeah”.

The question being “are you willing to give up whatever iota of integrity your blog might have and are you so self-important as to actually think you could get paid for blogging?”

So yeah. You will, from time to time in the future, see a paid post. I will try and make sure to warn you first, so that you’re not surprised… “Why is Louise all of a sudden writing about investment banking in Guatemala?”. Granted, I won’t be making enough money to support myself and my family, like some bloggers do *coughdoocecough*, but I might be able to buy a book off Amazon every three months or so, which is something I feel guilty doing now for some reason.

Alrighty then. Off to rub my hands together, cackle, and concoct a plan that involves eating babies and crushing kittens under huge piles of other crushed kittens, all for five dolla.

I just tried to view my site from my computer here and it’s blocked because it’s categorized as matchmaking. Huh?

WHO IS FALLING IN LOVE HERE AT JEEZLOUISE?

C’mon, fess up.

Dear Mother Nature,

You are awesome. You do all this stuff with the nature. Flowers bloom, little baby lambs frolic, the sun shines down on us, all because of you. Thanks!

But, uhm, Ma? What’s up with the foot and a half of snow outside? It’s April. I realize that what with where I live, this should be taken in stride but… come on! After an entire winter with maybe six inches total of snow, you dump this on us in April ? It’s a bit late!

Not that I don’t appreciate your effort. It must’ve been quite the feat, keeping this up for two full days. But, you know. Timing. You need to work on yours.

xoxoxo

louise

PS – Thanks for all the cramps last week. They were great.