Mom: Still in the hospital. They’re not sure yet what is wrong with her, only that it’s not her heart. They have her in the ICU right now, and are still doing tests on her.
That being said, my problems seem petty and childish, don’t they?
Ah, my problems. Well, it became clear to me pretty soon after returning to work that returning to work wasn’t exactly the best of all things for me to have done. Or, at least not returning to this particular career at this particular time. Teaching is a stressful, time-consuming job (I realize that all jobs are stressful and time-consuming). At the moment, I don’t think I’m well enough to be taking it on, at least not fulltime. I’m just coming off a yearlong medical leave that really didn’t help me to accomplish much, mostly my own fault– I was put on meds, and I saw a therapist three (four?) times then couldn’t afford it anymore because my insurance never did kick in, then we moved here to PEI. I decided I could just ignore my depression, and that I was ready to come back to teaching because I’m stubborn that way. I also started running out of my meds last month (I’m supposed to take two pills a day) so have been cutting down, totally doctorly-unrecommendedly, because I don’t have prescription coverage yet and won’t until I’ve been working at least a month (I am supposed to take two pills per day; at the moment I’m taking one pill, every two days, and I only have three pills left– and boy, am I feeling it). These past couple of weeks have me almost certain that I am not. Not ready to be back at this job, certainly not ready to be off my meds, and not able to ignore my illness.
HOWEVER
We need the money, I’ve already started so quitting wouldn’t be a good idea (they’d have to scramble for a new teacher!) and everyone would be really disappointed in me. If it weren’t for the first, money-needing reason, I probably would quit. Sounds cruel and horrible, and very irresponsible, but I have to be responsible for myself, first of all, and I’m not being and haven’t been.
At the risk of sounding like a complete whiny baby:
5:30 – Wake up, get ready for my day.
6:45- leave for work
7:45- Get to work and start prepping, photocopying, correcting anything that didn’t get corrected the night before.
8:45 – Start teaching. Two of my classes are ‘behavior’ classes which cause me more stress than I’ve had to deal with in quite a long time. Today in one class I just said “Okay, here’s the work you need to do. Get it done and hand it in by the end of class” after having tried to get most of their attention for twenty minutes. They spent the rest of the class just talking and half-assedly doing work. That is not how I usually teach. It’s not how a good teacher *should* teach. I don’t give up like that, and I’m disappointed in myself. Most of these kids, though, don’t care whether they pass or fail, and have to be in school because they aren’t allowed to quit until they’re 16 (and those who are over 16 are there because if they did quit, they’d have to get a job. I’ve had at least five of them tell me this in the past couple of days). The two “behaviour” classes are also quite large– 32 and 36 students– which isn’t really conducive to doing much more than spending an hour and twenty minutes trying to get people to stop throwing things. I used to be such a good teacher. I used to be like “Give me any ‘bad’ class and I’ll have them won over by the second day”– and I would. Now though? I’m just not meeting my own standards and I constantly feel like I’m letting everyone down.
3:00- students go home. Usually I have a meeting or two after classes.
3:30 (at the very earliest– it’s only happened once so far)- leave for home. Okay let’s make that 4:00 and be more realistic.
4:00- Leave for home.
5:00 – Get home. Say hi to Rob. Eat some supper.
6:00 – Correct. Plan. Correct. Work on curriculum cards. Plan some more. Feel sad because no matter how well I plan I know nothing’s going to get done anyway and everyone’s going to think I’m a horrible teacher. (unless it’s Tuesday or Thursday in which case I go teach my French class from 6-8 then get home and do this three hours’ worth of stuff)
9:00- Go to bed. (unless it’s tuesday or thursday in which case I get to bed at 11). (the night course has never been a stressful thing for me- in fact I look forward to it. They’re so much more receptive).
It’s too much. I cry every night. Rob has to reassure me that I’m not a horrible person. I never do anything around the house, and all that stress has fallen on top of Rob, on top of his job search, which in itself is a huge time and energy consumer. He has to do so much around here, on top of applying to jobs and going on interviews, and I feel like I contribute nothing but a catatonic body mass at the end of the day, or someone who’s yelling “WHERE ARE MY CURRICULUM GUIDES?! WHERE ARE THEY?!” When I do take some “me time”, I sit around feeling guilty, looking at the pile of work that’s still not done, so it’s less “me time” than “I suck” time.
Is this any way to live? I realize that everyone has it tough with their jobs but ohhh, I dream of working somewhere where I don’t have to go on courses during my (unpaid) vacation time (no teachers do not get paid for the summer but we’re not allowed to get Employment Insurance and who’s gonna hire you for two months especially when you have to take days off in order to go on courses?). Where, when I get home from work at 5, that’s it I’m done for the day. Are there any actual jobs like that? Aside from working at, say, McDonald’s I mean (THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WORKING AT MCDONALDS DON’T GET ME WRONG). I’d need something that paid at least as much as I’m making now –preferably more, since what I make now certainly doesn’t reflect the amount of hours I put into things (heck if I were paid an hourly minimum wage I would make more money per day than I do now, if you include the hours that I put in before school, at home, skipping lunch, going on courses in the summertime, etc) but the same would do. I know it shouldn’t be all about the money but… WHATEVER! IT IS! ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS
So yeah, what kind of jobs could I possibly get? I’ve never even really thought of anything other than teaching. Here are my credentials, though:
BA- major in French, minor in English
B.Ed- specialist in teaching french as a second language.
7 years’ teaching experience
I have seriously been contemplating starting on a job search and just quitting as soon as I find something else. Then I feel immensely guilty. GAH.
If you have any suggestions, feel free to make them. But please don’t suck or I may delete your comment.
Perhaps you could (this may be a sucky idea) go to your boss, and let him know that you have health issues. Tell him you were hoping they were under control, but have realized they are not. Tell him your schedule, (just state facts, leave out any whining – not that I blame you for whining, I would be too) and tell him that you are under a lot of stress, and this stress is adding to your already existing health issues. Then tell him you would LOVE to be able to do everything, but you just can’t, and that you need someone else to take over those 2 crappy classes.
If that flies, you could get some of your at home work done when you would usually be teaching those 2 classes.
So, that’s my lame-ass suggestion.
Whatever happens, I wish you good luck and good health.
Is “I feel your pain in excrutiating detail” a bad thing to say here?
I couldnt hack it. I still cant. Hell, you probably remember my whining and pain, as we compared notes on and off. Im not ready to go back and might never be.
I had to find something else. For the past 8 months, i answered phones and watched drug users pee in cups.
get out for your health and your sanity. find anything else. you have to give yourself the time, or else you are going to end up getting worse.
let me know if i can help, even if its just as someone to vent to.
Sweetie, I hope this doesn’t suck, but something I’ve wondered before and never asked: why is it Rob seems to always be in job-search mode and you’re the one doing the schlepping WHILE DEPRESSED? I know depression… jeebus you NEED those meds, without them it is hard enough just mustering up enough strength to take a shower, let alone do all the work involved in being a teacher (which I know is a demanding job). I do not intend to slight Rob, but tell me (or let him tell me) why isn’t he working at whatever he can get? A McJob income is better than nothing at all! Please take this in the spirit intended… I am worried about you! And I know damn well you need the meds to function right!!!! *hits Submit with a slight feeling of misgiving*
Terry, I’m not offended at all. It’s an honest question.
Rob’s always in job-search mode because he’s always looking for a job. I’m working because I have been offered work. Rob has been trying, believe me. He sends out (and brings in) a minimum of five applications per day. He’s applied for McJobs. They won’t hire him because he’s overqualified. However he hasn’t got a degree, so he’s not quite qualified enough for other jobs. The job market is also… well, kind of bad around here. I know people who moved here in 2002 who still haven’t found employment, people with schmancy degrees and people with no experience.
my only suggestion (which is possibly completely impossible for you, I dont know) is to do a college certificate program in something very in-demand (and that you’re interested in!)
For example, it came up in class today that to do a “legal secretary” course at college only takes 8 months.. but legal secretaries are very in-demand, and you can easily make 60-80K. Your other degrees will probably give you a huge boost in terms of being quickly hired and well paid for a job like that.
Obviously more school = more money, but there is finacial aid.. and your tuition will probably come with health insurance.. so free drugs!
michelle’s idea is a good one. I myself am applying for welfare, if you can believe it, because the job I’ve had for 18 years (self-employed translator) is sucking so badly that the only reason I’m not in the street is because a friend had a spare bedroom and a big house and needed companionship. Through welfare, which I consider a stop-gap measure, I would like to go back to school (they pay part of it) to take a one-year program in SOMETHING… not sure what yet… I believe they pay up to $250 a month or thereabouts. In PEI it is probably different. ANyway, my wish is for both of you to work all this stuff out. Nothing is worse than being stressed over finances, especially when one is clinically depressed. (I am both.) xxoo
Thanks guys. I’ve been thinking along those same lines; now to just find something that I’m interested in!
You’ve all been very supportive and kind and wonderful. When you’re this close to things, you often don’t see the “light at the end of the tunnel” as it were, and it’s good to have others point things out to you.
Oh Louise, how I relate to this post.
I’ve been working in the school system for nearly five years (!) and I know first hand what little bastards this kids can be, especially if their behavioral problems to boot.
I’ve worked in rooms for the develomentally disabled and I have worked in 12:1:1 and 8:1:1 rooms before (in fact, I’m working in a 12:1:1 from now till the end of the school year) and I know how incredibly frustrating it can be to try and teach kids who really could give a crap about learning any of the material.
It’s frustrating beyond belief because:
a) it’s your JOB to teach them the material
b) it’s hard, as a teacher, to understand WHY someone would not want to learn the material and move forward in their career as a student
and c)you spend time preparing for these classes to only have it wasted when noone pays attention.
Hang in there. Things will get better.
Excuse the typographical errors above…
and a p.s. – I agree with the posters above. If you can find a job doing something you enjoy, that doesn’t stress you out, I say go for it.
Life is too GD short to spend your days in a job that you hate that doesn’t even compensate for your time, energy, and health.
Good luck and I’m keeping you in my thoughts, birthday twin!