Jeez Louise

Dear Department Stores:
FAT PEOPLE DO NOT NEED SUPER LOW RISE FLARE LEG VELOUR PANTS WITH SPANGLES AND A SNOWFLAKE MOTIF THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Okay, now that that’s off my chest:

My wardrobe is in need of serious replenishment. I have plenty of summer clothes, thanks to my dear friend Ro, but winter/fall etc. clothing? Eh, it’s all getting pretty ratty. I have a couple of shirts that I’ve owned for… three years now. One of them has a couple of holes in it, and the other one is coming unsewn on one of the arm seams. And one pair of black pants that’s starting to look a little grey and is missing a button. Those are all the “professional” clothes that I own. This past year was a bit tough on the old pocketbook, thought, what with not being able to work and thus not getting paid, so clothing was not a big priority. Now that I’m back to work, though, I find that I actually can’t wear the exact same outfit for three days in a row without people giving me suspicious looks. Also? I guess it’s frowned upon to wear my sweatpants and “Save the Texas Prairie Chicken” t-shirt to the workplace. So the conclusion was reached: I needed to buy me some new school clothes.

I don’t want to buy a bunch of new, expensive clothes, though. Because working in schools? Especially elementary schools (where I’ll be until at least the end of November), you tend to get covered in glue and fingerpaints, not to mention uhm, bodily secretions (Monday: Kid craps his pants. Tuesday: kid pees her pants. Wednesday: Kid barfs. Thursday: Kid with bloody nose hugs me. Friday: No school for kids so no chance of a booger explosion). So I decided to go look in Zellers and Wal-Mart, where they have nice-looking (albeit not brand-name or anything) clothes for prices that are less than say, $75 for a pair of pants. And seriously, I was just looking for one or two pair of pants, maybe a couple of shirts to go with. Not hard you say?

Yeah, try being a 5’9″, size-22 woman. I have a gut. I have hips. I have an ass. Do I *ever* have an ass. In fact, I have such an ass that I just don’t think you’re ready for this jelly, and you might never be. Yes, I realize that instead of complaining I should just go out and lose weight. Whatever. But while I’m waiting, I can’t go naked, folks. I could, but hopefully you don’t want me to. It’s cold out!

Now, I shouldn’t totally lie and say there’s absolutely nothing out there. Last week I managed to get one nice pair of pants at the Zellers in the town near us. Just a nice, normal, pair of brown pants. I really love them, actually. They’re comfortable, and they look good on me if I do say so myself. The store didn’t have anything else nice in my size at all, though (actually, they only had one other pair of pants at all in my size– but they were this weird shade of greyish purple and I just couldn’t bring myself to try them on). I also picked up a nice shirt and a beautiful sweater (one of the students in my class, when I wore my “new” outfit to school on Tuesday, told me that I looked so beautiful, “like a princess fairy with glasses”. Oh, these first-graders are great for the self esteem, I tell you). Aside from that, though? Nothing available nearby.

Rob and I decided to be adventuresome on Saturday, then, and go to the department stores in Charlottetown. We had to go to Ch’town anyway, to return some stuff to Futureshop, so it’s not like that was the ONLY reason we were going, but I was pretty excited about going clothes shopping. Which is funny, because I usually hate buying clothes, what with the gut and all. So we completed our mission at FS, and made our way over to Zellers– the Zellers in Charlottetown is WAY bigger than the one in Summerside, and generally has a huge selection. I mean, it even has washers and dryers and stuff. Even four different kinds of toilet paper! FOUR KINDS! It’s department store nirvana!

We made our way to the “Above Average” (oh how cute) section. And looked. And looked. Not only did they not have pants in my size– THEY HAD NO PANTS AT ALL.
There were coats galore (all seemingly bright neon pink and green, or else those ones with the eskimos embroidered all around the edges? Yikes). A few sweatshirts with puffy-eyed kittens frolicking on the front. Many, many Bedazzled frocks. But pants? Nope. Not a pair.

Wait. one pair. Red. Velour. With sequins down the side. In a snowflake pattern.

No no no.

NO NO NO.

Fine, then. Zellers has let me down. As much as I detest Wal Mart (I LOVE Zellers, I don’t know why, but I really, really don’t like walmart) we headed over there. Where they had a grand total of four pair of pants in their plus size department. I took them all into the dressing room.

Pair number one: Robin’s-egg blue “trousers”. Fit fine, if what you’re looking for is to be able to showcase the fact that you get a regular bikini wax. I do wear nice underpants, but I don’t want to show them to everyone, thanks. Also? Did I mention that they were were robin’s-egg blue? I did? Yeah, no thank you.

Pair number two: A beautiful camel-coloured corduroy pair of pants. And the camel didn’t stop there, folks. If I attempted to pull the pants up so that the waistband went anywhere near my waist, well, there was a nice healthy helping of the toe. If I attempted to rid myself of the ‘toe? Not exactly professional. Or attractive. Again, I’ll pass.

Pair number three . Enough said. Number four? No better.

I just don’t understand it. I mean sure. If people want to wear super-low-rise hoochie pants, it’s their right and they can do so if they want. If my fellow fat chicks want to wear super-low-rise hoochie pants, I have no problem with that. But I, personally, don’t want to, and I’m sure there are other people out there who would rather cover up a little too. SO WHY ARE THEY NOT MAKING PANTS THAT COVER FAT ASSES ANYMORE? Is there a new rule that I haven’t heard of? All Ass, All The Time? Show Us Your Snatch? What’s going on?

Whatever it is, I object! I object nine times!

Does this mean I might actually have to go pay $75 for a pair of pants at the fat lady store? Pants that don’t fit me properly anyway because I have a waist so I’ll have to get them taken in anyway? Yes? That’s what it means? Damnit, why can’t I be a cheap bastard?