I go through a lot, Bloggy People, to bring you the witty repartee that is the content of cow-dog.net . It’s okay though, you’re worth it. But for this entry, I should be elevated to Saint Status. Okay, if not that, at least people should send me some cookies or something. Yummy ones. With chocolate. Because I have just committed the Ultimate Sacrifice. And also, Experienced the Unthinkable. For YOU!
I looked over at the TV before. There was Shania Twain. She was in a video. With Mark McGrath. Uh, weird. Later on, as I flipped channels, I said to myself “Hey, it’s the exact same video! Wait– it can’t be! That isn’t Mark McGrath!”
Upon further research, it appears that Shania made the exact same video twice. Once with Mark McGrath, from Sugar Ray, and again with this other guy, Billy Currington. If you dare, you can go see both videos here. Why would one make the exact same video twice? With two different duet partners? And release them at the exact same time? Oh, I know! To MAKE LOTS OF MONEY!
I really, really don’t enjoy Shania Twain. I really don’t. At all. Yes, I know she’s Canadian and I should probably rally behind her flag, but I can’t. Yes she used to be all poor and her parents died and she raised all her brothers and sisters on her own by dropping out of school and going to work and only eating mustard sandwiches. It’s very admirable, and I have nothing against her PERSONALLY. She’s probably got some talent, too, behind all the weird distortiony stuff that her producer/husband does to her voice. But I really, really can’t like her music. It’s not that I don’t like country music (I do). I just do. not. like. her. And yet I watched both the videos, all the way through (you should, too. I don’t want to be alone in this). And here are my observations:
1- These guys really don’t want to go to her party. And yet, she crinkles her nose up, and suddenly they’re both all excited about her lame party. Hmmm. There must be something to the nose crinkling. I will have to try this out with Rob. “Rob, please, clean the toilet” “No!” *nose crinkle* “Oh my GOD you are so SEXY! I will clean the toilet! I will clean it nine times!”
2- She is wearing a tablecloth. She IS!
hmmm… reminds me of something…
3- Shania’s version of “rocking out” = throwing both her arms out to the sides and flinging her head back. Sort of like Meg Ryan on her bike in “City of Angels” right before the truck hits her. Unfortunately no truck hits Shania.
4- Shania’s Sexiness Move = crinkling her nose at the camera while singing (see #1).
5- Shania’s Super Rocking Out Move = shaking her head from side to side, so that her hair extensions shake around. No, seriously. I know this, because my sister-in-law is a big Shania fan. And I have seen all Shania’s videos. And in all her videos, when she’s rocking out, she shakes her damn head around. Maybe the head-shaking distorts the music somehow so she can LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT SHE’S SUBJECTING US TO IT. Oh. She also does the move described in #3. And, see #6. Remember the page I sent you to so you could watch the Shania Videos of Doom? Check out the videos for “Man, I feel like a Woman!” and “Rock this Country!” and “I’m Gonna Getcha Good!” and “Up!” (er? Shania, you don’t HAVE to put an exclamation point at the end of the title just because it’s a fast song. Seriously).
6- In order to dance, Shania sort of just stomps. A lot. Sometimes she jumps up and down. Other times, she shakes her shoulders while stomping. Back when she was a poor kid in Canada, they didn’t have dancing. Just stomping.
7- I wonder which version of the video she made first. Because I kept thinking “Okay, did she take that move from Mark McGrath and use it in the video with the other guy whose name I forget and am too lazy to scroll up and look for? Because that looks exactly like the thing Mark did in the video he was in, only now Shania’s doing it. Or did Mark steal a move from Shania? WHO IS THE THIEF?!”
Oh well. She’s 40. And she looks pretty hot. And I couldn’t do what she does.
The thing is that I really think she shouldn’t either.
.