mmm. beef. hot, salty beef.

I am about … halfway done my shopping for Rob. Payday is on I think Thursday of this week so I will finish up then. Yay last minute. After that I have some other gifts to buy:

Each of my (older) nephews gets some movie money. For my brother and his wife, a Home Depot g/c because they’re painting their house.

I have yet to finish that damn Mr. Bean bear for my baby nephew (although if I just sat down and worked on it it would take me less than an hour to finish the whole thing). Other than that, I pretty much have everyone on my side of the family done with. Also Rob’s parents are done. So that’s not too shabby. And now on to the Real News.

Nothing else much has been happening. Well kind of. As you all know, I’m allergic to beef. Sometimes, however… I can’t help myself. I just eat it, and then take the consequences as they come (usually sick to my stomach, sometimes itchy). It’s not like I go into anaphylactic shock or anything, but I go crazy with the beef cravings. And the time when that usually happens? During my period. I can’t help it. I also crave salt. A lot of salt. Nothing new there, really, I’m pretty sure that happens to lots of us ladies. But. The grossest thing? I crave– CRAVE– Hereford Corned Beef. The kind in the tin. With the picture of the cow on the front, so that you know that it’s meat from a cow, in case you were thinking it magically came from the Corned Beef Tree in Corned Beef Land. Go look at the picture. Oh, now isn’t that appetizing? No, I admit that it’s gross. Anyway. Rob, being my Enabler, bought some secretly when we were grocery shopping the other day. I discovered it last night and he said “Yeah, I knew you might die without it”. And he was RIGHT. Today, just about the time when I’m usually scarfing down my habitual lunch of raisin bran, I started feeling that feeling. The “Gimme that salty, salty beef!” feeling (oh admit it, lots of you out there get the “gimme that salty beef” feeling– but *I* meant *luncheon meat*). So I did what I do best– I went and got the tin. But lo! What the hell happened to the tin? It used to (a month ago!) open with the little key thing. You know what I mean– the KEY thing. On the tin! Where you like, twist the key! And the can opens! And you’re happy, and have a little swirl of metal around the key! Unless you don’t know what I mean in which case I can’t help you because you’re obviously not white trash enough to know that meats that must be opened with a key are the best kind of meats.

Well I am here to tell you that the key is now gone. GONE! Instead, it opens with a little tab at the top. Like some kind of pudding or fruit cup. It’s a beef cup! And I’m not sure if I like that. First of all, it did NOT have a key. Secondly, I first thought “Okay, well… I know how to open a fruit cup and a pudding. So I will be able to open this”. WRONG. There are DIRECTIONS. You have to READ DIRECTIONS to open the Beef Cup. Things about “Breaking the Seal” and “Pressing Firmly with your Thumb in order to Open the Can Correctly”. Yeah? Well guess what? It didn’t WORK. The Beef Cup sucks. Not only did I not have the key or the swirl of metal around the key, but I had to admit that I was defeated by the Beef Cup and use the CAN OPENER to open it.
Stupid beef cup!

The contents however? Oh, yeah. Microwave that big lump of beef for like three minutes, pour mustard all over it, and eat up.

If you are gagging or barfing right now? You just. don’t. know.