More stuff about my mental health in the extended entry.

I had an appointment with my doctor this morning; it’s been 9 days since I went on the Wellbutrin and so she wanted to see me again and see how I was doing. We talked about the side effects I’m having (headaches, dizziness, and tremor being the main ones) versus the effect the medication is having on my depression (I still get a weird feeling, even typing that word; I don’t think I’ve even said out loud “I have depression” but anyway). Basically, I haven’t felt much better, but I’ve been able to sleep for a normal length of time (6 hours) rather than sleeping for either a tiny amount (3-4 hours) or a huge amount (12 hours) every night. PLUS, on this medication which is supposed to cause some kind of weight loss as a side effect, I HAVE GAINED 7 POUNDS IN 9 DAYS. Didn’t need that at all… Oh no, no I didn’t.

My blood tests had come back as normal (she had my thyroid tested just in case) which is good because wow I know many people who have thyroid problems and it is not at all fun. So, after all this, it was decided that that medication isn’t working for me (hm, yeah) and we were going to try Effexor instead. Seeing as a family member is on Effexor and it is working for that family member, I have a bit more of a chance on this one. Then she wrote me off work until Dec. 15th, unless my drug plan covers more (because that’s as far as my sick days went).

This whole taking time off thing is killing me. I mean, I *know* that I could not be teaching, the way I feel right now. I would do more harm than good probably. But at the same time, I feel incredibly guilty. I am in contact with my substitute via email and she seems to be doing a great job with my class. But I worry about what other people will think of me. Not that I’m telling them what is wrong with me, because it’s none of their business. But… I mean, I seem fine, physically. I’m not throwing up, I don’t have boils, the plague has not descended on my house. And otherwise… well, I am very good at ignoring it, separating myself from it, covering it up. I’ve been out with friends, and they’ve been like “Oh, you seem fine!” and outwardly, I am, because hey, I’m not crying all the time or foaming at the mouth or anything. But I still don’t feel better. So if I seem fine, outwardly… I mean I can’t prove that I’m sick. But I am. But not really, because I’m not covered in pustules. Does that make sense? I tried explaining this to my doctor, and saying that my sick days will only take me to Dec. 15th and then I am out of sick days so I’ll have to go back. She said “If you had a baby, you would not feel guilty”. I said “If I had a baby I would also have a year of maternity leave”. “Well, your job right now is to
get well. Your employer will have to figure out what they’re going to do about giving you the time to do so– you can’t go back if you’re not better”. So I still don’t know how I’m feeling about that.

My doc also asked me if I knew if psychologists were covered under my drug plan because she wants me to see this certain one (who is apparently the best in Nova Scotia), but is hoping that my drug plan doesn’t say “no you can only go to the psychologists we recommend”. I am hoping that they don’t do that type of thing, because I have a feeling that I really need to get in to see someone.