October 25, 2004 by Louise
My mother needed some new jeans. My mother hates clothes shopping almost as much as I do. I never understood that, since she’s all skinny and such, but today I understand why.
WHERE ARE THE CLOTHES FOR NORMAL PEOPLE????
It is a sad state of affairs when my 57 year old mother is trying on super low rise, bellbottom jeans with hot pink stitching. It was either that or old grandma stretch jeans without even a zipper, just the elastic waistband. No way was I letting her even near those.
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October 23, 2004 by Louise
I’m at my parents’ and things are kind of crazy. Got here yesterday after the fiasco with Rob’s I.D., and there was no one home– my father had had to bring my nephew to the hospital, and my mother was over at my sister’s babysitting the other two kids. Turned out to be my nephew’s appendix, but they sent him home. See, he’d been in the E.R. since 9 a.m. and when the doctor finally saw him (at 6 pm!) he said that the surgery team was tired and it didn’t look like it was very advanced so they were going to send him home and to come back in if it got worse.
Eventually everyone went back to their own homes. Had some premium hanging-out time with my parents which was much needed not only for me, but I think for them. They’ve been very worried about me.
This morning my brother came up to help my dad fix the car window… they got it done within half an hour, and David ended up staying for another three hours. This is a big deal because generally if he and his wife come to visit, within 45 minutes of them being here, she’s got a headache, and they have to go home. It was very cool to hang out with my baby brother. He even hugged me (we’re still kind of at that arrested development stage where we only hug each other once every three years if our mom tells us to) and did his impression of Bubbles (his VOICE impression– he does NOT look anything like that), which made me laugh. I sent him home with half the fruit that was left over from the huge fruit basket my school sent me– I guess they think I have scurvy or something but I swear, it was 80 lbs. of fruit! I can’t eat all that fruit! And then my dad left for work and my mother and I sat around and stitched on the blanket.
Didn’t really do much for the rest of the day… tried emailing someone, couldn’t concentrate on it, talked to Terry, couldn’t concentrate. Not that Terry isn’t perfectly enchanting (she was like “I know you’re bored! I can tell!” and honestly honestly honestly I wasn’t). Hm. Then my mom got a call to go back to my sister’s house because my nephew had to go back to the hospital. It’s now 10:30 pm (this was at 5:00 or so) and my sister just called to say that my nephew will be staying overnight but that they have to do scans on him to find out what the pain is. So my mom’s on her way here with the other two kids, and they will be sleeping in this very room where the comptuer is, so I have to go soon. PLUS. I don’t have my wig on and although I know they think my bald head is cool, I still want to put something on cause in all truth my head is COLD.
And I have no charming way to end this post.
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October 22, 2004 by Louise
Okay so I realize that you all might not trust me to direct you toward a game after the fiasco that was the weird baby thing jumping out at you in the last game I directed you toward. Oh that sentence was SO grammatically incorrect. Anyway. This next one is like Pac-Man!
So aren’t you excited?
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by Louise
From the prescription information sheet that came with my new medication, which I have taken for two days now:
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: Side effects, that may go away during treatment, include restlessness, agitation, dizziness, dry mouth, insomnia, headache, nausea, vomiting, constipation, anorexia, or tremor.
Emphasis mine. It also goes on to say to stop taking it and call the doctor if I start having seizures or heart palpitations, or if I experience hostility or impulsive feelings. No seizures or palpitations yet, but jeeze, you mean I’m supposed to call the doctor when I’m pissed off at some guy in the wal-mart parking lot, or impulsively reallyreallyreally want to buy a giant bag of sour cherry blasters? Haha, I keed, I keed.
So… I have been experiencing, to some extent, all the bolded things up there. Especially insomnia. Remember my love of sleep? The 10 hours I could very well use every night? I haven’t been sleeping. I mean, I can sleep and do sleep for 5, maybe 6 hours tops. But that would be cause for napping later in the day. No naps though. None. Here I am, 1 am, not feeling as though there’s any need to go to sleep. Who needs it? I don’t feel tired, although I’m yawning. Strange.
What the heck am I supposed to do with all this extra time? Meh.
I also don’t really feel any better than I did before I started taking it. Granted, it’s only been two days, so that’s okay. My doctor told me that this particular medication can take up to three weeks to even start working.
So. Since the crackheads busted our car window, and since they asked me to, and since Rob thinks it’s a good idea as well although we are going to miss each other like crazy, I am leaving tomorrow morning to spend a week at my parents’ house.
1) My parents feel the need to snuggle me. I also feel the need for some snuggles from my parents.
2) My father is going to fix the car window for $30 instead of the $100 it would cost at the places here.
3) Rob is at work during the evenings and thinks it would be good for me to have people around me in case I feel the need to speak to the Giant Talking Crack Rock.
4) My mother is going to help me to stitch together our first blanket. But keep sending in your squares! We’ve got about 1/4 of a second blanket now!
5) There is no fifth reason. I just wanted to put something here.
Ergh. I promised that my blog wouldn’t become a huge “oh look I have depression please pity me” thing and here I am posting about it again. Perhaps I should start writing about… my adventures as a tattoo artist. Except I don’t have any, because I never was one. Damnit.
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October 20, 2004 by Louise
I took the first of my meds today; one little pill and with it goes all my pretense of being fine, fine, perfectly fine.
In other news, I hope like crazy (hah) that the 2 spelling tests the thief took were worth this:
FUCK YOU, CRACKHEAD!
(I’m convinced it was a crackhead, because the guy Dave who found my bag told me that he often chases crackheads around our neighbourhood with a baseball bat while he’s in his underwear).
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by Louise
In case you haven’t read Rob’s latest post, I’ll tell you here (but you should go read Rob’s post, because I seriously think more people should be reading his stuff than mine).
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October 19, 2004 by Louise
On to other things:
When I was a kid, although the school I went to wasn’t exactly a Catholic school… well, not officially… we had catechism classes through to grade 8 (I wasn’t there for grades 6 and 7 because those were the years we lived in Saskatchewan and went to an official Catholic school) and would say prayers three times a day. In the morning before Silent Reading we would say the Our Father. Before lunch we would say some form of grace which I don’t remember. After lunch, before starting our afternoon we would say the Hail Mary.
To say our prayers, we turned toward the back of the room where there was always some shrine-like setup. A table with a tablecloth, plastic flowers, and a plaster statue of either the Virgin Mary or Jesus. Grade one: Jesus. Grade 2: Virgin Mary. Grade 3: Jesus. Grade 4: Jesus AND Mary. Grade 5: Just Jesus (jazz hands!). Then we’d all pray in unison. It was like an automatic thing. Anyway.
When I was in second grade, my teacher’s twin sons were in grade 5 (I later taught on a staff with one of those sons– the one who actually is more involved in this story in fact). She would bring them with her every day when she came in and they would hang around and help her out in the classroom and stuff before and after school.
One morning before Silent Reading we all turned to say the Our Father and the Virgin Mary was GONE!!!! The plastic flowers were there. The blue and white checked tablecloth was there… but the space in which Mary had once stood was empty. Well, not completely empty. She’d been replaced.
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by Louise
First of all I wanted to thank everyone who responded to that post both via comments and email. It’s good when you’re feeling completely alone to know that there are people you know who’ve had similar experiences.
So, the doctor. She wants me off work until at least November 15th. She has prescribed some medications and tests for me to have done. I feel like… I don’t know what I feel like. Relief? Yes, relief that this is actually something wrong with me, not something I’m making up. But holy shame/anxiety… I am not looking forward to hearing from my job. I tried calling the school 2 or 3 times and there was no answer– I don’t know what’s up with that. So I called the VP’s house and left her a voicemail message but that’s kind of a cop-out; and I asked her to please call me back so that we can discuss this because I mean… yeah. I feel very… what? Are people going to think that I just didn’t like my job so I faked sick to get out of it? That’s really not it; I love my job (the principal was asking me that yesterday, when I told her I wasn’t feeling well– “Don’t you like it here?”). I said all this (and more) to my GP during the appointment today; she said to me “Louise, if you had pneumonia or a broken leg, would you feel guilty about it? No. This is a biochemical thing. You didn’t bring it on yourself– you couldn’t if you tried”. Basically told me that I should stop feeling guilty and start taking care of myself instead of worrying about everything else.
What next? I’m not sure… Therapy? Yes, maybe. I know I have been depressed for a very long time, but I’ve been used to it– it’s like, you live with chronic pain, it becomes normal for you and you don’t notice it anymore, if that makes sense. I know some of the reasons, as well, and I just have chosen not to deal with them. I know I need to deal with them but avoidance is amazingly effective up until a certain point. My doctor wants me to start feeling better via the medication before seeing a therapist though. The way she explained it makes sense to me.
So. I promise that I won’t become a “oh poor me what a horrible horrible life I have” person. But yes. That’s what’s up with me right now. How’re y’all doing?
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by Louise
so I have a doctor’s appointment (with my gp) in an hour exactly and now I’m afraid that she will say there’s nothing wrong with me (not that I *want* there to be terrible things wrong with me) and that I’ve just been a big faker and will tell my boss to fire me.
paranoia? Nah.
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October 18, 2004 by Louise
I’m mental.
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