I’m mental.
As you know I didn’t go to work all last week. I was sick. And then I wasn’t. I don’t know. I just didn’t feel like I could get out of bed. I was afraid of going to school (even though I love my job and I love my class and everything everything everything). So I called in for the week. Told them I was very sick. Which I was and… wasn’t. I feel like such a liar. The vice principal was very nice about it and told me to rest up (of course she thought I was sick). I did. As you know I was up almost all night last night freaking out about something. I didn’t know what. Just feeling anxious.
Today I went to school and worked all day and felt so fucking overwhelmed I didn’t know what to do half the time. People kept telling me I still looked awful. I felt horrible. I love my class– they were awesome– but the whole day I felt as though I was going to cry or something and I was in physical pain. I went to see the VP after school and told her that I didn’t think I should have come back today and she got the principal to come in the room and then they kept questioning me and questioning me as if I was a liar and they didn’t believe anything I said. And I said that I had been feeling physically horrible but that for all I knew it could also be emotional and was told that “We get over things. Don’t try to hide things from us. Just move on”. Tomorrow evening is parent teacher interviews and they were very pissed with the fact that if I missed tomorrow they would have to reschedule my interviews but I didn’t ask for that. I actually went in trying to figure out what to do– I know that I can’t stay at the school from 7:30 am to 9:00 pm. Not right now– I might start to cry during the interviews. So I was asking about that and then (felt like) I was being attacked and called a lazy liar. Then they said that I had missed 7 days of school (I get 20 sick days per year and have probably 55 saved up) and so they told me to stay home and that I need a doctor’s note to come back.
So I’m thinking it’s anxiety attacks/depression so then I took every friggin online depression test out there and they’re all pointing at severe depression and anxiety. Not just because of the tests though but also because I think about going to work and I feel like I’m having a heart attack. Literally. I don’t want to tell my VP and principal this because they will say “AH HA! YOU WEREN’T REALLY SICK! YOU said you had the FLU! But you were LYING!” and then fire me. I mean they want me to get a doctor’s note for one thing and I come in with a note for another thing? Might look kind of weird and plus I’m pretty sure the principal already thinks I’m horrid for having ADD. Now for me to have depression or anxiety? Ma vie sera l’enfer. Je n’ai jamais sentie tellement troubl?©e de ma vie.
I have been calling around because my doctor’s office is closed for the night. I could call the mental hospital but I don’t think I’m that far gone (although maybe I am and I just can’t see it). I don’t know what to do. What if I can’t get an appointment for tomorrow? I don’t want to stay home forever and I know I can’t avoid going to work or leaving the house and I don’t know what to do and if someone tells me to drink fish oil I will smack them.
Louise, don’t drink any fish oil. That nasty parent has got to you. It definitely sounds like anxiety to me – I know first hand what thats like. It can be totally debilitating. But always remember, no matter how bad it gets, it won’t kill you. You won’t have a heart attack. I used to get panic attacks and I would think I was dying, but now I remind myself that I can’t die from it and it helps. Please try to find someone who can help you – a doctor, social worker, psychologist. It might take a few tries before you find the right one, and that can be frustrating. I was lucky and found someone who totally changed my life and I’m so happy now. I wish the same for you. You sound like a really brave, sensitive, caring person. I’ve been reading yours and Rob’s blogs (ack, bad grammar)and you are both wonderful. Please feel better.
You can get through this…I have every confidence. I’m not a psychologist, but it does sound like anxiety…potentially coupled with depression. But I’m sure you know that some of the same symptoms of ADD are similar to depression. Call around everywhere you can tomorrow and I will keep my fingers crossed for you! Don’t give up…you can do it!! **hugs**
Let the doctors know how urgent it is so they get you in NOW! I am so sorry that you feel like this. Email me if you want to talk. I have gone through 2 very serious depressions and am still on medicine, and I really understand. It helped me to talk to people who understood, esp. people that really did not know me or the people around me because it seemed more objective.
Good advice above… I have nothing more constructive to add but just know I am thinking about you!
Hug!
How brave of you to tell all of us out here in blog world. If you let your doctor know the urgency they can set up a game plan to have you start feeling better and to get your employer off your back.
I too am sorry you aren’t feeling well. Know that many, many of us understand.
(Now we all crawl out of the wookwork
I’m a recoved depressive, and trust me, depression alone can be debilitating (I lost a job because of it). If you heap panic attacks on that, you’ve got something that needs professional attention.
I’m not qualified to diagnose depression or anxiety, but if it is a suspicion, seek someone who can. See your GP first. He/She will guide you from there.
Louise, I think you’re right on the money. I went through the exact same thing in 2001. Email me if you want. ((Louise))
People have always confused anxeity attacks with heart attacks. It can cause physical pain in the cest, and feels liekt he whole world is pressing down unpon you. I know this becasue I went through it a few years ago. I finally booked an appointment with a school therapist (I was in University at the time) and he helped me talk through things that I didn’t even realize were bothering me. He taught me to organize myself and complete tasks, etc, etc, so that I wouldn’t have this constant feeling of being overwhelmed. Basically, he helped me pinpoint what was causing me the pain, and helped me work through a solution. I still use the advice he gave me, and it really has made a huge difference in my life. I think you need to talk to a professional – someone who knows what you’re going through and can give you soime sound advice. There is only so much you can get from us, though we’re always here for you… we sort of lack the PHd at the end of our names.
Hang in there, Louise. You’ll make it through.
Sorry to hear you’ve been going through this. I’m w/ everyone else, sounds like anxiety (ppl in my family have this). Definitely talk to your doctor and don’t be too worried. Anxiety is a fairly common thing and you can get it under control. Take care of yourself.
Hope your doctor’s appointment went well – know that there’s lots of people thinking of you.
Sending good vibes your way… and hugs too!
I hate to contradict you doctor, but seek counseling asap. I had the same problems a few years ago. Anxiety attacks, i actually ended up with welps all over my body. It was terrible. I didn’t leave my house. I went to my office around 10pm everyday and picked stuff up or dropped it off. My GP gave me meds, but the meds didn’t work for me. I got very discouraged, and gave up and lived with anxiety attacks for quite some time, and still suffer from social anxiety disorder now. I have so much more to say, but will finish with, I hope you feel better soon!